Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Home – noun

1. * a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.

2. * the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.

I grew up in a small city in Northern Ohio; to me it's so small that if you drive a few minutes you're already in a different city. Where I'm from, if you did something once, you've basically done it all. It was fun, it was where I grew up. Great adventures with friends that I will never forget, and will always continue to have (you know who you are). Fall of '06, I entered the college life at Otterbein College. Ive visited other schools but I had this connection at Otterbein. It might've been the size of the school, or it might've been the the teacher interaction that made me feel like I belonged. I gave up a $60,000 scholarship to an Art School and it was worth it every second I spent at Otterbein. I loved the Art department, the friends I had made there, the teachers that I had, I will never forget, they made my life so much better. I transferred to Wittenberg for the purpose of a better education in Psychology, it was nice. It felt just like Otterbein. I then transferred to California with the purpose of more opportunities. But as i spent hours to days to weeks, I realized that this wasn't home. I could never call California home, and for the first time in my life I'm homesick.

The main reason:

Spring of '07: The Hottie at the Back of the Room

Boy did I ever blush. I hadn't had that big of a crush since middle school. I told my friend Lindsey first abt him. And i still remember that conversation as clear as day. I'm pretty sure I saved the IM too, i just dont know where it is at the moment but it went something like this:

I told lindsey that I had a crush on someone in the art dept. and she got all crazy excited. I wouldnt tell her right away who it was so I let her guess. It was narrowed down to a few guys till we reached:

"RYAN!" lindsey

"haha yesss" me

And I kept thinking 'he's probably taken....a guy who looks like that is never single'....so I did, what all the other ppl were doing...I facebook-stalked. And I was right, at that time he was taken, and boy was I ever bummed, but I saw it coming. It was probably abt a week later after I facebook-stalked him did I get a friend request, and I was excited. Of course I confirmed are you kidding?! When I looked at this info, his relationship status was changed to 'single' and my first thought was "Huh?" but almost immediately after questioning, i thought 'heh heh, turn on the magic, let's see what i can do' welp, we started talking; his first comment to me was "how the hell do you play DDR sitting on your ass" and its been history ever since.

God know's we've had our ups and downs, but despite our differences, it's worked out in the end. I wasn't homesick from my Northern Ohio home. No, I was homesick from Ryan's home. Ive spent so many days, so many hours, ate so much food, in that house that I felt like i was home. I miss it, and I know that one day I'll be back there again. The town Westerville was pretty much like home. It might've been the same size as Westlake, but I found there was so much more to do in Westerville rather than Westlake. Whether it was bothering Ryan at work, or taking 1am adventures with my girls Alicia and Mindy.

I will be back in Westerville one way or another. I just want to graduate, and come home. Come home to him especially.

I stand to my saying "Always & Forever" till the day I die and forever afterwards.

Monday, October 26, 2009


i'm done with life.
who needs love any how?

Monday, October 19, 2009

A Sense of Belonging

In Ohio, asians are indeed a minority. I went to school where the majority were Americans, and personally I preferred it that way. When you go to a school knowing you don't look like everyone else, you end up with a diverse set of friends (which is a great way to solve our racism problem). All my friends consisted of some Indians, some Black (hate using that word tho, sounds racist to me), European, a few asians, and the rest were White (also sounds a lil racist..i think its the usage of color...idk). This is the group i grew up with, this is the kind of group I will always have.

I come to California, to a school where half the population are asians. And seeing so many asians in one place, kinda weirded me out a bit. What kinda irked me a bit was that i always saw asians sticking together...HELLO WELCOME TO AMERICA! ever hear of a DIVERSITY? I'm a korean, a full-blooded korean, but i am completely and 100% Americanized that I tend to stay away from that korean crowd. I've made friends with the Americans, I felt more comfortable with them, then with my own kind. I feel like i can actually be myself around them whereas, when with koreans, i feel like i have to put on a mask, and be someone i am not.
For an example: i went to a birthday dinner not too long ago, where there were at least 9 other koreans around the table. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. They all had their lil inside jokes, laughing, and having a good time whereas i, just sat there and ate my food and only talked when spoken to. which was 4 times that entire dinner (and yes. i counted).

My sense of belonging is with everyone else, and not the korean population. I guess u can say i discriminate against my own kind, but i can't help it. i grew up with only a small fraction of asian friends. being the person that i am, i will always get to know the person first, and not judge them just by the way they look. i will try to get along with them, but in the end, i just end up annoyed.
i feel like i'm the only asian that feels this way...actually i'm pretty sure of that, but i always found myself different from the crowd. When i want to hang out, I will always choose my Diverse friends over the korean friends i have made here any day.

Another way to reduce racism is thru multi-racial relationships. i love my boyfriend, he's sweet, kind, passionate, and so much more. for those who know him, know this already, for those who don't know him, well now u do, his name is Ryan, and he's my everything. even if i didn't meet him, you will never see me with an asian guy. i'm just not attracted to them. but i'm glad that i did, because he makes me happy.

All in all, with that said, i have found my sense of belonging. I may look Korean, but I am 100% American.


So, you're prolly wondering 'Trixie Mae?" who the f**k? lol welll when I had my first myspace account back in highschool '04-'05, i took this one myspace quiz that says "whats ur stripper name?" it asked for 2 questions. My name and my favorite color, and 'Trixie" is the name that popped up...took another quiz for what should "ur middle name be" Asked for 3 questions this time: My name, favorite color, and the month i was born in...and Taaa-Daaa i get "Mae". and 88 is obviously my birthdate lol. so there's that explanation...haha